My sheets look like a crime scene.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
