a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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