i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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