Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
