im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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