do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
