U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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