Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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