things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
