I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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