What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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