At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
