BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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