She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize