I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
