you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Randomize