Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
