those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
