there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
