God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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