The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
