mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
