So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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