Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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