Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
