did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
