God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize