Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
