my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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