3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
