I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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