I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
