i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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