when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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