Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
