While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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