I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
