Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize