Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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