the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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