Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
