Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
