i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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