i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
