Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
