Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
