bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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