tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
