so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
