anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
