y did u give ur computer a hand job?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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