Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
the liver wants what the liver wants
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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