I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
