You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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