This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
