I faked an abortion last night.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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