Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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