when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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