First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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