dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
