i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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