i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I want her autograph on my taint
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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