once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
