i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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