so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
