I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
