haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I wish I only lived at night.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
