why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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