the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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