Tell her she can't have a vagina
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
